Needing , Wanting , and Love

Hey all! It's been a while I'm away from blogging. Silence and peaceful mind, I just feel to write something here. I came across an article title ' The difference between Needing, Wanting and Love Somebody' which it's really caught my eyes and have a read on it. After reading it, it somehow clear some of my today doubt.

Having to know, when someone meant a lot to you have move on another relationship. Well, I'm happy and also I'm Sad. Moving on is part of the journey when something mean a lot to you is no longer yours. Some memories buried deep inside me for a while. Don't dare to look back, don't dare to think, but there will a moment you will heard about something you scare to hear. Something you can to see and something you scare it will bother you.

I believe most love relationships start out with a state of wanting. When you fall in love,you want the other person very, very much. And then slowly, over time, as you love, you also become more and more accustomed to that person, so much so that you might even feel as though you can’t live without him or her. This is when want becomes dependent.

It’s when you have become so dependent on the other person for your emotional and physical demands that you can’t live properly if he or she disappeared from your life completely. With this person, you can feel a sense of familiarity and assurance that comes with his or her acceptance of you. You feel safe with him or her.

At this moment, it’s unavoidable that you will feel slightly needy because you just want to feel safe . Even if you were to get back together after he comes begging at your feet, you might be satisfied for a while, but you won’t stay satisfied for long.

Because, in the end, he is still not what you want. He was, but that’s the past. You loved him, but now, you don’t. Now you feel like you need him only because he’s part of what that feels familiar. Undeniably, he’s the safer choice, compared to being single again after such a long time.

After all, now both of us have moved on. Yet I’m glad I have made the move, because someone better is in front there waiting for me. If you are reading this, I would like to say Thank you. Thank you for everything, the sweet memories, your effort and what belong to us. Blessing for me and my most important man because I know he deserves a better me, and most important my blessing to you.

Dear my present, I hope you will be my last and one day we will walk into the aisle and let me vow to you, no matter how bad is your past experience, I will be there for you. No matter how low confidence on yourself, I will lend you my confidence. When you think your world in darkness, I will be your light and lend you my positives. Because I know and I’m blessed to meet you in journey of my life. Thank you to be in my new chapter of my journey.

 Some things are better late than never

R.K

Happy birthday To You

Dear you,  No matter, you found out this or whether you will read it or not. But I still hope you read this either in future or now. I still remembered what you told me. My blog is where you got the answer. Today, I wished you got the same thing. My blog is where you find my courage to wish you. Honestly, I have no courage to wish you personally. I have been thinking and thinking for so many days.  I still couldn't gain my courage to wish you personally. I am scare I would breakdown. After so many year. I have nowhere to reach you. Least that I can do is a little present from me which you don't know maybe.  There was a day when I thought that you were the best thing that happened to me. There was also a day when I thought that you were the worst thing that happened to me. Today I think that you weren’t meant to be the best or the worst – you were just meant to be my friend and I’m glad you moved on. Happy birthday.

R.K

Smile again after the pain =)

Finally, the most thing i have scared off was over. But, is my nightmare over yet?

I slept almost 24 hours yesterday. Too long dream I had in my life. Honestly I never sleep for sooo long before. Hahaha. I think god really want me to rest. My point of life, he want me to sleep and rest. Such a long sleep, dreamed alot. But if you asked me, what have I dreamed. I don't even remember a single thing. 

Thank God, and thank you for all the prayer, everything went well. Honestly, Im not scare of the operation. What I really scared the most is the day after waking up from Anesthetic. Friends texting me last night and was asking everything fine? Yea, in very dizzy and really dizzy condition, Yes I am alright.

But unsure is it this nightmare is it really over yet. Woke up this morning really a shocked for me. I can't even move my leg. So yes, today whole day was lying  on my bed. Can't move, can;t walk, and most important still dizzy.

But don't worry, Doctor told me, it might take a few days to recover and slowly I can walk back. Well, guess thing I am worried is here. Just can't walk a day is already taking my life away. I just can't imagine people who can't walk for whole life.

I'm blessed. Blessed for everything. This is just a minor. 

Dear Friends, I know all of you worried about me and wanted to visit me. But sorry rejected all of your kindness. I am just not ready yet in this condition. But truly and honestly, I feel your support here. I almost breakdown again this morning when the first thought in the morning I can;t moved my legs. But my sifu, my inspiration. Her text means alot to me.

 Certain time I might breakdown, and you can read emotional post on my facebook, but don't worry friends, im still staying strong here and still keep smiling. Today the sky was crying , but it stopped again after an hour and the sun shine again. I believed , this pain is no longer will be long. No matter 1 week, 1 month, 1 year. I will be strong.

Love R.K

If Only

If Only You Knew

My second post for today. 

 Maybe few months, years later for me to re-read this post I'm going to laugh at myself. But I just want to let it out, let it out before tomorrow. Tomorrow, waking up after my Anesthetic, I wish myself, my brain , my heart and everything about me is empty. Empty from negatives, emotions and is all a new start for me.

 I decided to write this out even I know people around me will read this,  I just really hope to let it out. Just one time, one time for me to write such a silly post.

Have you ever come with a situation where Right One in The Wrong Timing?
                                                

                                      OR

 

Have you ever felt, This is Just So right but in the Same time it is Just So Wrong.

Well, this is my experiences. After breaking up from my first relationship, honestly I doesn't trust true love anymore. For me , does it even exist? Afraid to fall -in love again. I even asked myself, is it necessary to have a relationship?

Be honest, How strong a woman is , Yes she definitely needs someone. Someone to care, to love , to listen and to go on with. Maybe a life companion? haha.

I experienced twice meeting someone is just so right but definitely in a wrong timing. What Can I do?  Fated to meet this kind of person?  Blame on the fate?  No, definitely no. Although moving on it is just so hard for me, but what Can I do? If ONLY, there is IF, i wished I never met both of them before. Or maybe I don't have this kind of feeling at all. But in reality there is NO IF.

Things happened, and definitely I am the one back-off because , that pure relationship have no right to be interrupt. I tell myself, is alright Just block the Number, deleted the text messages, everything will be alright to move on. Well, definitely Im wrong, first attempt to ignore messages, only 8th messages, asking are you ok? I replied. First attempt failed.

Second attempt, block the number, the another party texted you block my no? And I unblock it, 2nd attempt failed. I talked to my friend about it, she asked me to wake up. If you dont do it, it will go round and round the circle. Honestly I don't dare to speak it out, because Im scare to lose it. How silly am I, Lose something that is not even mine. HAHA, ( stupid laughing at myself). And came to a point, a text to ask me Give me Some time, my commitment on you. 

I know, maybe this means nothing to that person, but it means alot to me. One point of me, i really asked myself, Can I wait?  haha. And yet, my friend come and talk to me. He said ' Rachel, do you know How long is their relationship?. Do you think because of you he will moved on? He knows it well enough. His words like slapping on me to wake up. And so I tell myself, don't be stupid. I might feeling very awful now, but if it getting deeper and deeper, is totally hard to me to come out.

Do you know how hard i choose to ignore the text. 

Do you know how hard to wait for your reply

Maybe you don't know.

So, my 3rd attempt, this time no blocking the number, no ignoring the message and send a last and single message. After the message , we not in contact anymore. Be honest , If you asked me, do I regret? No, because he know I know,  but "Am I doing the right decision'? Definitely as yes. 

I should move on. Move on with fulfilling my promise to him to played one of the song i promised him and one of my 2015 wishlist. I keep on practicing and practicing this song. And Finally I managed to finished playing it. If only.  A big release for me after I done playing it. 

Well, if he is reading this, he might be laughing to see how stupid am I. Doesn't matter how he judged or how you judged me. After all, I'm really scare to have this feeling again.

Time will faded all this feeling away. I believed. 

Waking up tomorrow will be a reborn. Hopefully. No love, no heart pain, no bad luck.

-Stupid RK-

Don't Blame For It.

Hello 2015!!

Finally I'm back on blogging after for soooo long. Miss her smile? Honestly I missed her smile. It's been awhile she didn't managed to smile like this.

Well, wel, I'm just to bored hospital so decided to re-write my blog. Maybe is a good thing for me to released all I wanted to say. Ignore my crap because I just feel like to write it all out.

Do you believed life is really like a roller coaster. UP AND DOWN. When you are up, everything seems so colourful. You don't even need to make effort doing anything , all is well prepared for your. BUT, when you are Down, a single thing you do, a single word you speak seems is all wrong.

Oh my 2014,  I can say DECEMBER is a totally DOWN DOWN DOWN month for me. Career, Relationship, Life, Health is all only I can described with a word. MESSED. 

All the pressure , ended up my 2014 with a huge breakdown ending.

What a wonderful ending. An accident totally changed my life. Some of you must be wondering what is happening. 

With all the pressure, I decided to run in the park to release it in one sunny morning. When on my way back home, some reckless driver run over me and yes it hit my back. Honestly, at first I thought is just a minor accident, still managed to walk home and shower heading to work. 

Hours of pain, and just realized is a Spinal Fractured.

Nothing else can be said, and admitted to Hospital. First day normally I won't feel that pain. Still in shocked and all I remember is replying all my friends whatsapp by saying Im Okay, Dont worry. All is fine. 

Honestly, Im not. I felt so lost that time, Wanted to cry but really Can't. Ended up my mum called me. Tears burst out unconditionally. Mother love is to precious. I just can't be strong infront of her.

First night in the hospital,

My second time crying on that day. My crazy unexpected buddy fly all the way from Miri just to surprised me for my house new year party. But I gave him a bigger surprised before hand. HAHAHA, Anyway, the sweetest thing in my life. I really dont expect anyone to visit me in the hospital and see me in such condition. But this amazing friends, no words can be describe. 

31st December 2014. 

Doctor allowed me to go home waiting for operation. In the condition of wearing the belt and  I have to lay down on the bed.

Well, my active lifestyle and asked to me lay down on the bed for the whole day is totally impossible.

My new year eve party still going on. 

1st January till up to date-

My pain is increasingly . Until a point of my life which I almost breakdown. The pain is too unbearable. I never have so much medicines in my life. No choice, only able to stay on the bed. How long more I need to be like this? Days by days, thank god there is still my supportive friends keep checking on me and make sure Im ok. Never ending giving me support and motivations. Thank you. No words can be describe beside thank you.

Tomorrow will be the day, hopefully all my pain will be gone after this. Don't worry friends,  I will stay strong. I'm going to come back healthy than before and continue my fitness journey. Maybe a good thing, I gained weight from unable to exercise and let lose weight again together when I am back on track. Strong and determined ! Don't give up fitness people. 

I do believed, everything happens for a reason. I don't blame, I don't back off. All I would do is be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what i deserved. A worthwhile journey for me to be stronger. Stronger than before.

Love- RK