If Only

If Only You Knew

My second post for today. 

 Maybe few months, years later for me to re-read this post I'm going to laugh at myself. But I just want to let it out, let it out before tomorrow. Tomorrow, waking up after my Anesthetic, I wish myself, my brain , my heart and everything about me is empty. Empty from negatives, emotions and is all a new start for me.

 I decided to write this out even I know people around me will read this,  I just really hope to let it out. Just one time, one time for me to write such a silly post.

Have you ever come with a situation where Right One in The Wrong Timing?
                                                

                                      OR

 

Have you ever felt, This is Just So right but in the Same time it is Just So Wrong.

Well, this is my experiences. After breaking up from my first relationship, honestly I doesn't trust true love anymore. For me , does it even exist? Afraid to fall -in love again. I even asked myself, is it necessary to have a relationship?

Be honest, How strong a woman is , Yes she definitely needs someone. Someone to care, to love , to listen and to go on with. Maybe a life companion? haha.

I experienced twice meeting someone is just so right but definitely in a wrong timing. What Can I do?  Fated to meet this kind of person?  Blame on the fate?  No, definitely no. Although moving on it is just so hard for me, but what Can I do? If ONLY, there is IF, i wished I never met both of them before. Or maybe I don't have this kind of feeling at all. But in reality there is NO IF.

Things happened, and definitely I am the one back-off because , that pure relationship have no right to be interrupt. I tell myself, is alright Just block the Number, deleted the text messages, everything will be alright to move on. Well, definitely Im wrong, first attempt to ignore messages, only 8th messages, asking are you ok? I replied. First attempt failed.

Second attempt, block the number, the another party texted you block my no? And I unblock it, 2nd attempt failed. I talked to my friend about it, she asked me to wake up. If you dont do it, it will go round and round the circle. Honestly I don't dare to speak it out, because Im scare to lose it. How silly am I, Lose something that is not even mine. HAHA, ( stupid laughing at myself). And came to a point, a text to ask me Give me Some time, my commitment on you. 

I know, maybe this means nothing to that person, but it means alot to me. One point of me, i really asked myself, Can I wait?  haha. And yet, my friend come and talk to me. He said ' Rachel, do you know How long is their relationship?. Do you think because of you he will moved on? He knows it well enough. His words like slapping on me to wake up. And so I tell myself, don't be stupid. I might feeling very awful now, but if it getting deeper and deeper, is totally hard to me to come out.

Do you know how hard i choose to ignore the text. 

Do you know how hard to wait for your reply

Maybe you don't know.

So, my 3rd attempt, this time no blocking the number, no ignoring the message and send a last and single message. After the message , we not in contact anymore. Be honest , If you asked me, do I regret? No, because he know I know,  but "Am I doing the right decision'? Definitely as yes. 

I should move on. Move on with fulfilling my promise to him to played one of the song i promised him and one of my 2015 wishlist. I keep on practicing and practicing this song. And Finally I managed to finished playing it. If only.  A big release for me after I done playing it. 

Well, if he is reading this, he might be laughing to see how stupid am I. Doesn't matter how he judged or how you judged me. After all, I'm really scare to have this feeling again.

Time will faded all this feeling away. I believed. 

Waking up tomorrow will be a reborn. Hopefully. No love, no heart pain, no bad luck.

-Stupid RK-